Daycare Espionage
by Revan's split personality
Summary: Not really ALL in a daycare, but it's central...a teensy bit of bad language...way too much insanity. SAM ROX MAH SOX!


Disclaimer: I don't own anything, now stop bothering me! Geez, you people...bah!

I wrote this while sitting in the library, so it's all random and randomly put together. If you like it, don't hesitate to tell me that i should continue. I just might. If you don't like it, buy me a pie and maybe i won't steal your soul and put it in my woodchipper then dance around in the remaining tatters of your being as they slowly flutter to the ground like spiritual snowflakes of doom.

* * *

" I don't exist. In fact, I'm nothing but a figment of your imagination. I'm nothing but the faint flicker of a shadow across a moonlight square of light. I'm the night. The darkness itself. Remember that monster you had in your closet, the one you thought would come and hurt you as soon as you closed your eyes in slumber? Well, I am that monster, except I've moved out of your closet and traded in my claws for knives to slit your little throat with. The world is a complicated place full of lies and deceit. Sometimes, these lies grow. These lies consume people, their governments, and their country. These lies bring hate and conflict between the countries. And that's where I come in. That's when I find these lies and eliminate them, and the people who spread them. I don't like to kill. But I do what has to be done in the most effective way possible. If that means having to break a few backs, a few backs will be broken for the greater good of society. So..." Sam slowly pulled his beloved knife out and looked the person in the eyes over the razor-sharp edge. "Do you really want to lie?" 

The child wailed and ran into his mother's arms, who just stared at Sam in horror. He blinked.

"Didn't think so." He grinned in triumph. The mother gathered her weeping boy up and her arms and stood up, infuriated and disgusted.

" This is how you treat little children?" The petted the boy's head, who whimpered in response. "I'm going to sue!"

" You can try, miss, but you're forgetting one thing...I don't exist. I'm a Splinter Cell." He pulled out his pistol and shot all the lights out in the room before throwing down a smoke grenade and jumping out the window. He rolled to absorb the impact and stood up, perfectly fine after jumping out of the second-story window, and dusted the glass shards off his suit. He walked to the curb and hailed a taxi. "Yo, taxi!"

A bright yellow taxi cab screeched to a halt by the sidewalk. The driver rolled down the passenger side window and peered out at the spy.

" Ah, you want taxi ride mister? I drive real good, sir!"

Sam said nothing, but climbed in the back. He slid over so he sat directly behind the driver, who continued to chat happily.

" Where you going, sir? I take you there real fast!"

Sam put his pistol between the top of the driver's seat and head rest so the end of the silencer jabbed the driver in the back of the neck. " Start driving or I'll shoot you."

Beads of sweat formed on the driver's forehead, and he began to shake with fear as he pulled away from the curb and merged into traffic.

" Take all money, sir! Please no kill me! I just get citizenship two day ago!"

" I don't want your money!" Sam growled. " Just do as I say, and you won't get hurt. Much." The driver gulped. "Now...undo your seatbelt."

" But sir...I get ticket if I have seatbelt undone!"

" I don't care. Undo your seatbelt or you'll be more worried about the bullet hole in your neck." Sam snarled. The driver did as he was instructed, most reluctantly. " Good...now, pull into the empty lane."

" But that's the carpool lane! We no carpooling now!" Sam jabbed the guy in the back of the neck to make his point. " Okay, okay, I go..." The driver signaled and pulled into the empty lane.

" Good. Now slow down to about twenty." The driver slowed down. "You've been most cooperative. It's been nice talking to you, but I think we're about at your stop." With that, Sam reached up and opened the driver's door, then shoved the man out of the car. He shut the door again and jumped up in front, plopping down into the driver's seat. He wrinkled his nose at the smell, and ripped the cheesy Hawaiian-style decorations out of the window. He contemplated keeping the bobbing hula girl, but decided to throw it out the window anyway, directly in the path of a semi. He checked the rearview mirror quickly to make sure the driver was still alive. He was, and he was running along the side of the road, flailing his arms about in a futile attempt to make Sam stop and return the car. Or stop, at least. Sam chuckled. "Right..."

He drove to the Third Echelon secret base of secrecy in the undisclosed area it was secretly located in (it was actually Lambert's mother's basement, but shhhh. You're not supposed to know that. ) The guard stopped him at the entrance/driveway.

" Excuse me sir, but there's an important dinner party going on now- oh! Sam! Go on through!" The guard gave him a funny look. " What's with the taxi?"

Sam just blinked at the man before driving into the garage. A platform lowered him down to the secret area/basement, and he climbed out the car, grateful for the fresh air. Lambert walked up to greet him.

"Sam! Where have your been?"

" Just taking care of some business, Lambert." Sam said, grunting. Lambert gave him an unimpressed look.

" What'd you do this time, Fisher?" Sam shrugged, causing Lambert to let out a frustrated sigh. " We're going to have to implant a tracking device into your skull just to keep track of you."

Sam laughed. " It was worth it. Just wait until the news tonight."

Later that evening, the whole Third Echelon crew was chilling in Lambert's mother's living room, watching the forty-inch plasma t.v after they had devoured their delicious and hearty chicken noodle soup that Lambert's mother had made for them all, when the news came on. Sam elbowed Lambert and motioned for him to listen closely.

"There was a scare at the Nodding Toddler's day care center today, when a man dressed completely in black broke in and reportedly harassed a young boy by the name of Tommy Redford. His mother is here to comment." I lady in her mid thirties came on the screen, clearly distressed.

"He started talking about lies and slitting throats! Then, he pulled out a knife and threatened my little Tommy! He was a psychopath!" The woman started sobbing. " Then, he pulled out a gun and shot out all the lights. I couldn't see what happened next, because the room was suddenly filled with smoke! I heard glass shatter, and then nothing but the wailing of the other children in the room...it was horrible!"

Lambert looked at Sam quizzically. "I thought you were supposed to be working against terrorists, not becoming one."

Sam gave him a sideways grin. " I am working against terrorists. You've never seen that little kid before. I thought I might as well take care of him early, while his mind is still soft and pliable, and oh so easy to scar." He chuckled evilly and tapped the tips of his fingers together. Lambert sighed.

" Okay, it's bed time!" Lambert's mom yelled from the top of the stairs. A collective groan was heard.

" Aww mom! We were gonna play video games!"

" Not this late on a weekday, you ain't! Now get your little asses to bed before I make you cut me a switch!"

The all whined as the got off and shuffled off to their beds, getting a warm glass of milk from Lambert's mom on the way, and a kiss on the cheek.

Sam slept well that night.


End file.
